I was browsing through facebook this morning and I came across this video on my friend Khoi page. I was feeling a little blue this morning for some reason and this video totally brighten my day. This kid is super cute and talented. That kitten video that been going around has nothing on this kid HAHA.
The song Hanging by the Moment by Life House now have more then one special meaning to me. This song at first was the song that made me realize that I was indeed in love with Jesus and that I wanted to spend the rest of my with him. It is the song that made me decided that I wanted to be a priest.
"I'm falling even more in love with you, Letting go of all i've held onto, I'm standing here until you make me move, I'm hanging by a moment here with you"
Now the song for me is about being broken and not knowing what to do but to follow him.
"I'm desperate for changing, Starving for truth, I'm closer to where I started,I'm chasing after you. "
This song is so powerful to me. When I am happy this song for me is about praising him and telling him how much I love him. When I'm feeling down and broken like I am right now, this song is a cried for help.
So I was browsing through facebook and I came across this application call Message from God ,and out of curiosity I clicked on it to see what is has to tell me and I got this..
You've carried the guilt, the shame for long enough. You've kept your wounds open for long enough. The time has to come to let go, to heal. Keep the lessons and let the pain heal. Yes, you know what we are talking about it.
It is so crazy that I got this. I was actually praying about this during adoration today. There are so much pain, guilt, and shame inside of me that I need to let go. I am in the processing of healing from this and learning what lessons I can take from all of this. Letting go, I think is going to be the hardest part for me to do. It is extremely hard for me for some reason to let go of past pain/ hurt.
Lately I been feeling kind of down, I think it's dude to the fact that I am pretty much stuck in a building all day and don't go out much. Another factor is I'm at the stage where I'm beginning to find myself, and things are gonna be dark for me before I see the light. I first must deal with and understand my brokenness and my past before I cans start to heal and grow from it. I gotta to say this is a really dark and painful stage for me and it doesn't help that all my close friends are back in CA either.
I am however keeping my head up, because I know through God I can get through this. God is truly watching over me and caring for me in his special way. I was in the small chapel last night praying and asking God for a little relief from this pain I was going through, and my prayers were answered.
This morning after mass, I took a walk with Dong to the Pizza Factory for some quality bonding time and an escape from the horrible food at our school haha.
Me and Dong definitely have our differences and he has definitely cost me a lot of grief here at our school but none the less I still love him like my little brother. I have to admit, I learned a lot about myself through him and I have a lot to be thankful for him and our friendship.
During our time at the pizza factory, Dong opened himself up to me a little ( something he rarely do) and it really gave me a great sense of joy. One of the reason why I am close to Dong ,because he is actually a friend that I hang out with back at home and he kind of like a piece of home that here with me. I guess I just really needed that bonding time with a good friend to take away some of that loneliness I feel here at school.
It's always hard caring for someone that doesn't care much for you back. For as long as I can remember, I always been the friend that cares more. For the most part, I am use to it, but sometime it still hurts when someone you really care about doesn't treat you right. Right now, I am still hurting from something a good friend did to me over the summer. I can't for the life of me let go of this pain. After meditating over this, I come to realize it much deeper then what my friend did to me, it's goes back to all my previous broken friendship.
I find it really difficult to let go of people in my life. Once you leave your foot print in my heart, it's almost impossible for me to forget about you. Sometimes or I should say most of the time, people I get close to tend to drift away from me. They either get bored/sick of me or they find a girlfriend/boyfriend someone they connect more with and I'm often replace by them. It's seems like no matter how badly they hurt me, I cannot let go of them.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm lovable, because no matter how hard of a good friend I tried to be, it never seem enough for them. I am deeply broken from my past and I'm struggling to heal from it. I'm not sure what God's intention for me to being feeling this way right now, but I know he calling me to grow and heal from this.
